Is she Worthy of Love....

The first meeting was interview style... We were asked questions, about what led us to this day... about our family... about our lifestyle.  We met the little girl briefly... the only things that stood out was that she didn't run to us... in fact she wasn't interested in us at all.  I know this is a good sign... in attachment world.  Except,  I found no comfort in the visit.  My nausea released it's anxiety double,  prior to this meeting and increased its power following.  I was scared beyond measure, which tends to be my typical reaction to adoption- You would think I would learn to trust God... But I don't, I examine my own strength, and realize my time at the gym is a waste, i am weak.  I constantly discount the arms that actually carry me.   Our lives are make sense, we mesh in this perfect sequence. 
So I sought the wise counsel of a friend.  A seasoned foster/adoptive mom, and friend.   Her logic made sense 'If you bring trauma into your home- you risk upsetting what is working and risk triggering the trauma in the other 3"... I couldn't breathe ... I was feeling so lost.  Her words hung in the air.  We did make sense, I didn't want to upset the rhythm  .. I needed an out.  This was all happening so fast, and I didn't have much time to process, decisions needed to be made- time wasn't a luxury.

I knew our kids would adapt, I had seen the measure of their hearts and knew they would absorb this little girl with open arms.  Ben was in - of course... He gets to go to work each day.. it's me left at home swimming in the sea of trauma~ taking a plunge into the unknown of it's crashing waves... My anxiety began to rise, like I was feeling those first labor pains, flooding back memories of what was to come....Logic told me everything about this was wrong... But my heart is always at battle with logic, and colors outside all the lines.... God doesn't work in  Logic... well at least in my life.. I know there is a place for logic, but for me- whenever, He calls me to the extraordinary- it's my logic that tries to fight His hand..... Story after Story, the author of creation  slips logic right out the window, from arks, to lions dens, fiery furnaces, babies tucked in baskets floating down rivers... even the Messiah born in a manger.... God is beyond logic.   He works in the extraordinary-and we call it fate, coincidence, the aligning of the stars... I call it evidence, His hand at work, even when we deny it.  I crave the extraordinary. I don't want a life where fear is my staff.   I want to step into the unknowns of His invitation, because that is living.  I don't want to live a life safety on the shores... I wanna swim in the deep... I didn't want to miss Him at work, removing myself from the possibility of His artistic touch in my story...  Fear is my 'go to my first response, but rarely does it hold me captive. Seeking Him to direct each step according to His will.. closing doors if they needed to be closed.. that was the only logic that made sense <3
 I made arrangements that the next visit would be just me and 'her'... of course she would be accompanied with another adult.. but no kids, no ben... I wanted to look in her eyes... I wanted to see if my heart had room... She didn't need one more placement, where love was in question... she needed a fierce love right from the start... A love that would fight for her heart like never before... A love that called out the woman she was meant to be....

Running an hour early for our visit, I decided to waste some time in Superstore.  The entire drive my heart kept up to the speedometer... nausea making its sweeps through my system... Every minute saturated in prayer...right up to the automatic doors... where my words were lifted upward through my racing mind ...
'if you can use me to  call out the woman You are calling this little girl to be... then I will say 'Yes'.. but You have to show me.. TODAY... No, pressure or anything.. BUT come on God- work with me.  I need to hear your voice more now than ever before.  My heart needs to know Your plan here.. All You have to do is show me if I can love her... it doesn't have to be an instant love... just show me if that is in our future'... and He spoke right into my heart...
'I will not ask you if you will love her... I will ask you if she is WORTHY OF LOVE'...
I began to cry, of course perfect timing... because picking out raspberries should look emotional...
Is she WORTHY OF LOVE? .... these words rang through my heart ever so softly but yet with this boldness of sound.... Is she WORTHY OF LOVE... ?

The moment I met her, I knew-
there were no questions circulating my mind... I knew instantly, I could be her mother.  I knew we would fit together as we laughed and played on the park... I knew I would love her richly, because the seeds were already rapidly sprouting as she leaned into my shoulder... I knew I wanted to chase her energy,  as I watched her do 20 chin ups with a smile... I knew in the moment I told her she was beautiful, and I felt her little hand wrap around me... I knew when we tossed a pine cone back and forth and she winked with a cute little dance move, that many nights of dancing would fill our lives... I knew the moment we said good-bye and she tucked a flower into my  
                                                                                                        mess of curls, that she was
                                                                                                        meant to be mine...

YES.. she is worthy of Love...  EVERY ONE IS... My love will belong to her for as long as I live...

The details of our story are sacred... guarded for her until she chooses to share them... if she ever does... <3  These are the parts we are excited to share... the rest is tucked away in the safety of our hearts...  She is Lovely, Brilliant, Witty, and sweet... she is in every single way a perfect fit for our chaotic ball of love... we didn't even know one was missing... Thankful for a little wooden bench prayer <3