Dear Rejection...

Dear Rejection,
       I am sitting in tears, on your battlefield.    The damage of your name is incredible. The power of your work, feels unstoppable.   I can see that you have risen up on the journey from one home to another... You are written on the backs of those who walk away... Stamped Boldly on the foreheads of those who should love us forever... and didn't!  It's hard not to label you human, but you aren't.. you are a spiritual attack that sits in the void between hearts....

    Rejection, you are selfish and ugly.  The one you torment sits broken in my living room... I often hear the  screams of your inflicted pain.   You leave eyes saddened, and empty, void of life.... I see fear in those beautiful brown eyes, that we may walk away.   The scars on the hearts of those you touch,  are held tight ... they fester insecurity....  You are a thief, taking worth, faith and trust.   You try to disguise yourself in the faces we love......

    I stand in the wake of your storm... I survey all the damages.. and it feels so surreal.  You are a tsunami to the heart... A massacre to the soul... I try to revive trust,  breathing words of love, deep into her lungs...  but you are ringing in her ears, like a grenade.   I promise that my back will never turn, but is that enough?    I hold her close, and cry, praying that trust will be restored....   Courage & Joy are no longer recognizable...they rise and fall off rhythm.  The are mangled and unrecognizable.  Beside me is Faith, shattered to pieces...Refusing to be touched.... Every piece is filled with unbearable pain.... Confidence is fighting for air,  shoulders slumped, eyes do the same.  I desperately want to revive Dreams that lay lifeless in the dirt around me..... As I carry Brokenness  to the cross, I see Hope, staring off into the sky- I search for life... I know it's there, so I take Hope's hand.  Imagination, has been pierced, I watch as she tries to dance in the battle field, but keeps tripping over the trauma surrounding her.   Logic is struggling, damaged to the core... repetitive questions circulating, creating confusion and frustration.  Tears stream down the face of Love, as she reaches for my hand... I draw her in close and begin to rock her.... Rejection, you are like a battlefield... in the wake of your storm, I am left picking up all the pieces of the one I love.

You are a consequence of a choice, she had no part.  You are cruel, and relentless.  Your aftermath is severed attachment, night terrors, and rages .... Each crushing step you take, sprays like graffiti to the heart...ABANDONED, REJECTED, UNWORTHY, FORGOTTEN, HOPELESS, DAMAGED......  You are the monster that calls us down, shrinks our place.  You leave twisted lies in the hearts you touch... You steal worth,  trust and security.  You shatter dreams, steal hope.  You leave us broken, fearful to love, for we never know when you will attack again.  You attempt to conquer the heart of your prey....... Robbing far more than was ever deemed yours.  

SHAME ON YOU!!!!.   Shame on you for declaring one's worth.  Shame on you for stealing one's joy.. Shame on you for deeming one less... For leaving confusion & doubt.  Rejection you sit in the gap between hearts... taunting our value- But our value doesn't lie within you.. it lies in HIM <3

When I hear the anguish of a rejection cry, I fight hating you.  It's hard for me not to put a face to your name...  It's hard not to scream at those who walked away... Except you are not a battle of flesh... It's a war to be won on my knees....using compassion & grace <3

I look at the battlefield, it is familiar... I have been here before... This time I am not afraid, because I know who goes before me...... I know the author of this story...  He is good, kind and faithful.  With His bucket of redemption and the sponge of His grace, I begin to wash the graffiti from her heart... and I whisper truth...CHOSEN, DELIGHTFUL,  LOVED, BEAUTIFUL, PURPOSE, PRECIOUS,  CALLED, DAUGHTER, ....

I look at the little life, so precious and small curled up in my arms... I don't understand how people walk away.... My heart aches to do this life together... How could anyone not want to see this face... To forfeit the invitation to walk through life beside this little one... It's a choice I don't carry, one I can't understand.. but I will never close the door ... My heart will never grow cold... I refuse to let anger or bitterness stand in my midst.   Love rises up in me, the most familiar breath I take... I don't need to understand every part of the story...  I see you rejection, as you rise from these ashes and I forbid you from influencing these hearts... We walk with love & grace..  I will stand in that gap, I will not grow weary, for He holds me... I will sing His song over them... I will kiss each wound one by one... I will speak truth into them every day for as long as I live.. I will pray endlessly, relentlessly that all you have taken will be given back..  I will love them richly, and you will grow faint...  As I sweep up the brokenness, and carry each hurt...  A folded paper flutters from the railing above, landing where I stand...

 'Dear mom I xoxox you I love when you spend time with me. and you are the bestest mom I ever have.

xoxoxoxoxoxox...
Love K'


Love will always win, she gets that...
Rejection your darkness will be devoured by the light I  hold inside <3  You will not win, for victory is mine...

I look around and take a count of the damages.. My eyes turn to heaven, to the ONE who directs my steps.... I look into the eyes of Love as she lays sprawled, exhausted on my lap... I touch her hair & feel it's beauty.  Every hug, every prayer, every bedtime story & giggle over ice cream breathe life back into her soul.....I know the road to healing is long... With our tear streaked faces,  we have stood up... we are holding hands and  we are dusting you off....

Sincerely,
a forever mom

Is she Worthy of Love....

The first meeting was interview style... We were asked questions, about what led us to this day... about our family... about our lifestyle.  We met the little girl briefly... the only things that stood out was that she didn't run to us... in fact she wasn't interested in us at all.  I know this is a good sign... in attachment world.  Except,  I found no comfort in the visit.  My nausea released it's anxiety double,  prior to this meeting and increased its power following.  I was scared beyond measure, which tends to be my typical reaction to adoption- You would think I would learn to trust God... But I don't, I examine my own strength, and realize my time at the gym is a waste, i am weak.  I constantly discount the arms that actually carry me.   Our lives are make sense, we mesh in this perfect sequence. 
So I sought the wise counsel of a friend.  A seasoned foster/adoptive mom, and friend.   Her logic made sense 'If you bring trauma into your home- you risk upsetting what is working and risk triggering the trauma in the other 3"... I couldn't breathe ... I was feeling so lost.  Her words hung in the air.  We did make sense, I didn't want to upset the rhythm  .. I needed an out.  This was all happening so fast, and I didn't have much time to process, decisions needed to be made- time wasn't a luxury.

I knew our kids would adapt, I had seen the measure of their hearts and knew they would absorb this little girl with open arms.  Ben was in - of course... He gets to go to work each day.. it's me left at home swimming in the sea of trauma~ taking a plunge into the unknown of it's crashing waves... My anxiety began to rise, like I was feeling those first labor pains, flooding back memories of what was to come....Logic told me everything about this was wrong... But my heart is always at battle with logic, and colors outside all the lines.... God doesn't work in  Logic... well at least in my life.. I know there is a place for logic, but for me- whenever, He calls me to the extraordinary- it's my logic that tries to fight His hand..... Story after Story, the author of creation  slips logic right out the window, from arks, to lions dens, fiery furnaces, babies tucked in baskets floating down rivers... even the Messiah born in a manger.... God is beyond logic.   He works in the extraordinary-and we call it fate, coincidence, the aligning of the stars... I call it evidence, His hand at work, even when we deny it.  I crave the extraordinary. I don't want a life where fear is my staff.   I want to step into the unknowns of His invitation, because that is living.  I don't want to live a life safety on the shores... I wanna swim in the deep... I didn't want to miss Him at work, removing myself from the possibility of His artistic touch in my story...  Fear is my 'go to my first response, but rarely does it hold me captive. Seeking Him to direct each step according to His will.. closing doors if they needed to be closed.. that was the only logic that made sense <3
 I made arrangements that the next visit would be just me and 'her'... of course she would be accompanied with another adult.. but no kids, no ben... I wanted to look in her eyes... I wanted to see if my heart had room... She didn't need one more placement, where love was in question... she needed a fierce love right from the start... A love that would fight for her heart like never before... A love that called out the woman she was meant to be....

Running an hour early for our visit, I decided to waste some time in Superstore.  The entire drive my heart kept up to the speedometer... nausea making its sweeps through my system... Every minute saturated in prayer...right up to the automatic doors... where my words were lifted upward through my racing mind ...
'if you can use me to  call out the woman You are calling this little girl to be... then I will say 'Yes'.. but You have to show me.. TODAY... No, pressure or anything.. BUT come on God- work with me.  I need to hear your voice more now than ever before.  My heart needs to know Your plan here.. All You have to do is show me if I can love her... it doesn't have to be an instant love... just show me if that is in our future'... and He spoke right into my heart...
'I will not ask you if you will love her... I will ask you if she is WORTHY OF LOVE'...
I began to cry, of course perfect timing... because picking out raspberries should look emotional...
Is she WORTHY OF LOVE? .... these words rang through my heart ever so softly but yet with this boldness of sound.... Is she WORTHY OF LOVE... ?

The moment I met her, I knew-
there were no questions circulating my mind... I knew instantly, I could be her mother.  I knew we would fit together as we laughed and played on the park... I knew I would love her richly, because the seeds were already rapidly sprouting as she leaned into my shoulder... I knew I wanted to chase her energy,  as I watched her do 20 chin ups with a smile... I knew in the moment I told her she was beautiful, and I felt her little hand wrap around me... I knew when we tossed a pine cone back and forth and she winked with a cute little dance move, that many nights of dancing would fill our lives... I knew the moment we said good-bye and she tucked a flower into my  
                                                                                                        mess of curls, that she was
                                                                                                        meant to be mine...

YES.. she is worthy of Love...  EVERY ONE IS... My love will belong to her for as long as I live...

The details of our story are sacred... guarded for her until she chooses to share them... if she ever does... <3  These are the parts we are excited to share... the rest is tucked away in the safety of our hearts...  She is Lovely, Brilliant, Witty, and sweet... she is in every single way a perfect fit for our chaotic ball of love... we didn't even know one was missing... Thankful for a little wooden bench prayer <3

Wooden Bench Prayer

Summer started in the similar fashion as years past.  We were thrilled to be out of school- our plan was to bask in the sun.. to love each day given to us...
Excited to spend the first week of July at bible camp- life seemed pretty normal. 
Each morning I sat with my little ones through their service.   Separating the boys from the girls, had Lina a tad nervous about sitting solo, so I became her side-kick.  

I can't say sitting on the hard wooden bench was my favorite, but watching her swirl through the songs & absorb the stories was sensational.  At one particular service, Lina pointed out a little girl sitting on the bench in front of us.  She had rich brown skin & a little ball of curls bound tightly on her head.  Lina whispered into my ear "I wish she was my sister"...

My daughter, my precious daughter... this was just one more reminder of the struggle we had seen unfold in her life over the past year.  Random comments about wishing she 'had blonde hair... blue eyes... white skin" ... were all too familiar at our house.   I want my girls to embrace who they are.   However, it's a territory I lack the art of words.... 'This is who God made you... you are so beautiful'- the 'GO be HAPPY!!' chat,  wouldn't satisfy her soul.  it's far greater than the 'embrace yourself' talk... It's deeper.   Her words reveal she really is craving someone to match her.. Someone with matching hair, matching skin... Someone with matching beauty to affirm hers.. <3  My response felt her need,  "wouldn't that be fantastic... a sister <3"... Before I could finish my sentence, the girl at the front closed with this  invitation 'let's get into small groups, and pray about whatever is on your heart' ...

Well, I'd be lying if I thought that moment in time would have any affect on my life.  But I took her little hand, and prayed  something like this ' Lord, I know you know Lina's heart... and sometimes it's hard to not have a sister who matches you... so IF it's your will , then send us a sister... if this is what Lina needs to be the women you are calling her to be... IF having a sister creates a bridge to You.. makes her feel more part of this family... Then we are open to it... BUT if that is not Your plan, then send a woman into our lives that can mentor her heart.. show her who she is in You...  and Teach me how to fill these voids."  we released hands and went off to lunch.
Each day, Lina watched this little girl with awe... She didn't want to sit by her.. But I could see her eyes watching her every move....

My heart started to feel her need... a sister wasn't an option.  I hadn't really made time in my life for friends, but I was starting to realize that I needed a very specific friend... Chosen with purpose.. Names started dancing in my head.... I felt the press to pray for this need within my girl.  My heart began aching for her... I have grown in a world of matching, from my mom to Taylor-  we are relentlessly called out on our matching ...  reminding Lina- she doesn't.

... I started to have dreams about a little girl God was aligning as sister for Lina... which led to a FB post scolding Mr. Sandman... reminding him that we were DONE having children.  If questioned on increasing our numbers, I would always respond that unless a child was placed on our doorstep papers signed, it wasn't in the cards for us.... I shared briefly, my thoughts with my mother, who jumped right into Lina's prayer wagon.... TRAITOR!!!

It was a Tuesday, and this little plee from her heart... seemed to sit in mine.  So I made one simple call- CAS (christian adoption services) and prayed a simple prayer that day as we drove to Edmonton.  "God, I am so thankful for the children you have placed in my heart.  You know the needs that surround us.  If there is a little girl in this world that needs 'US' to call out the woman You desire her to be, IF there is a girl that would benefit from what our family has to offer, then my heart is open to Your will.. I am your servant...'
I carefully explained to Lina, that God doesn't always give us the desires of our hearts, and that in those moments He still has a plan...  I talked to the director of the agency in which all our children were placed... I didn't give her details, nor did I mention a daughter anxious for a sister.. I just told her we were possibly open to adoption.  I explained that we were not prepared or on a list... that maybe we were interested in "2nd chance' adoptions.   I asked a few questions, hoping to gain an 'answer' for the little ears listening intently in the back seat.  She told me, thankfully, it is very rare, but I could go ahead and submit a little letter about our family, and she would keep me posted.

I hung up.. and moved on.. I had 'done my part'... and completely 'forgot' to submit an email. 
Just over 2wks later, sitting at the table, Lina inquired, 'Did you make the call about my sister?" (as if the mail-order-sister program was a common process).
The truth was, I didn't write down the email address, nor did I really want to send in a little note about our family. 
Sigh... so I did it... I made the call that would change our lives FOREVER!!! I called back to get an email address.  I have heard people talk about 'not wanting to attend church, but found themselves in a bench... Certain they didn't want to accept Jesus, but found their hand raised or mess of tears at the alter of invitation... ALL AGAINST THEIR WILL!!!  Well, here I was, having that very same experience.. I was jumping through hoops, without really considering the outcome... I really just wanted to enjoy the sun.  Adding to our family, was not in my radar.. it literally was a hoop to tell my daughter 'I tried...I heard your heart and did my part'... then pass the blame off on her creator.. "He doesn't always give us what we ask for..... Awe, that's too bad, now let's go to the river-'
So rewind back to.. 'I made the call', for an email inquiry... To my surprise the director said, "Hey, you never emailed me, so I emailed you.  You didn't get it?." ..... So I did the unthinkable.. I opened an email, sent the day AFTER my phone call(2wks earlier)... and there is was the answer to a little prayer on a wooden church bench...
" we have a little girl we are lookin to place, she if from Haiti"... I began to cry... partly out of fear 'WHAT HAD I JUST DONE... and partly out of... 'GOD, YOU HAVE WILD SENSE OF HUMOR... and mostly out of ' YOU LITERALLY HEARD THAT PRAYER, I WASN'T SERIOUS... HOW COULD YOU TAKE ME SERIOUS???'... I was shaking  & my words were spilling out faster than I could process, shocking she didn't think I was on something illegal ... I listened as she explained that one hour after I called, they received a call about this little girl... This was suppose to be rare... like NEVER happens... And here I was in the midst of the HAPPENING!.. WHY? because time and time again, I see that God has a different plan for our lives... and I know from experience He is in the business of  building family... more specifically OUR FAMILY =D
to be cont.... <3